Harry Potter and the Dungeon of Misdemeanors
by MACHOxMAN
Summary: The love triangles, squares, and nonagons of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Class-Clownery.
1. Spying on the Pupils

**OK, no one asked for it so here it is**

**It's my parody**

**For HP**

**So when you read**

**Oh please proceed**

**Fight the urge to yell**

**Gee Whiz!! **

**Harry: HP**

**Ron: R**

**Hermione: Her**

**Snape: S**

**Dumbledor: D**

**You can probably figure out the rest…**

HP: disturbia...bum bum biddom bum bum bi dom…

R: Harry!

HP: Yes.

R: I've got something absolutely important to tell you!!

HP: What, what is it now? I am listening to my oPod.

**An oPod is a parody of the iPod by apple. The oPod is by Orange.**

HP: Umm…who doesn't know what the oPod is?

**You are not to talk to me, I am but the narrator**_._

HP: Whatever, what is it you want to tell me Ron?

R: OK, its Hermione, and bloody hell this is good…

**Hermione and Malfoy were alone in the Great Hall. There were just enough candles for them to study by, and the tension was excruciating…**

Her: Alrighty then: so if you mix a toad and a newt what do you get?

M: A Pixipila! It all makes sense now!

Her: Exactly Draco! I really do think you're getting it!!

M: Well, thanks Hermione…you know, you're actually pretty cool. For a mudblood I mean.

Her: Uhh…oh…well umm thank you.

M: Oh and thanks for keeping these study sessions a secret, that really means a lot to me.

Her: Well, I'm just glad to help! But what I don't understand is why you didn't ask to be partnered with Pansy. Aren't you two dating?

M: We are! I mean we were. *cough* Ar…are you _sure _that your protective charms are up correctly…I mean that sound barrier thing, and the cloaking spell?

Her: Of course! Are you in doubt of my magical abilities?! Only the most exceptional witch or wizard will be able to break my spells. _Oh wow, Draco is so sweet. I shouldn't have believed Harry's second hand account on "meany Malfoy". Draco pays me so much more attention than Weasly does. He actually treats me like a girl, unlike Ronald._

**Now, we must journey up some flights of stairs, through a couple of passages, go up a winding stairway guarded by a marble hobo statue (say the password: crawling custard munchies), and into the headmasters quarters.**

D: Splendid, simply splendid! Don't you think this is splendid Serverus? Huh?? Don't you?? Don't you think it's splendid? Huh, Serverus? Splendid right? Don't you?? Don't…

S: Perfectly splendid, sssssssir.

**Snape stuck to the shadows of the office, hissing and spitting every so often.**

D: You know, it does my heart good to see a Slytherin pure-blood falling for a mud…*cough* muggle born. Excuse me for I must have something in my throat. Do I have something in my throat Serverus, do I? Do I, Serverus? Do I have something in my throat? What do you th…

S: You must have had ssssssomthing in your throat, sir.

D: And I must say Professor Sprout was right! That new biology fad, the secret cameras hidden in plants, CAMO-flauge allows me to see every corner of the school! In high def too! The students' social lives are quite fascinating. Do you find them fascinating Serverus, do….

S: Of courssssssssse, sir.

**What's this? Dumbledor is spying on his pupils? Did anyone notice that there is a pupil as in student and pupil as in pupil-of-the eye pupil? Hermione and Malfoy?? Que hora es?! And might Ron hold the secrets to everything? What will he tell Harry? Now, if you liked this and want more, review or vote on my polls. If you don't I will discontinue Harry Potter and the Dungeon of Misdemeanors. And Midnight Stumble.**


	2. In trouble

**It's here! The second chapter. What will happen? Well, read on to find out and please review if you liked it!**

**Now, we return to Ron and Harry.**

H: So? Ron?..... Are you all right?..... Ron? Speak to me you son of a Pixipila!

R: Wh…what? Oh my.

H: What is it Ron?

R: I…I just had a vision!

H: A vision?

R: Yes, I see a bird. With the most beautiful wings. And there's a butterfly! No!! Don't go in there butterfly!!

**Harry left Ron writhing on the floor, not sure what to do.**

H: Crank that solja boy, now you…

S: Hhhaaaary Pottah!

H: Oh! Professor? What's up?

S: You are not to ssssssspeak to me in that manner, boy!

H: That guy really needs a girlfriend…

S: Whaaat did you sssssay?

H: Oh….NOTHING…_absolutely _nothing, you mangy old halfblood vampire!

S: *Gasp* You are to go sssstraight to the Dungeon of Misdemeanors Potter! And think about what you have just done!

**Well, now it's time to see what Hermione and Malfoy are up to…**

Her: Oh, Draco! Hehehehe….

M: Oh wow Hermione, but…uhhh…well. What about Weasley?

Her: What about him?

M: Well, it's just that he seems like the jealous type, you know? Especially if he hears we were snogging!

Her: Don't worry about HIM Draco; it's just you and me now.

M: What's that? I think I hear footsteps!

Her: Phooey, Dracy-poo. No one will hear, or see us because of my charms.

M: Oh no! I think it's…

Pansy: Draco Malfoy!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

M: Uhhhggg… I thought you said your charms were up!

Her: Well, it's just that to keep them up for a length of time I need all my concentration and…

M: WHAT!!!

Pansy: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!! AND WITH A FILTHY MUDBLOOD AT THAT!!! I THOUGHT WE BELONGED TOGETHER!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

**Back to Ron.**

R: Lala leee!!! Oofff. Oh man, Harry I…Harry? Harry? Where are you? Oh no. My vision. It's coming true! AHHHH!!!!!

**Ron will be running around in circles for the next few hours, so we will join him later on. Meanwhile, in Dumbledor's office…**

D: This is so absolutely astonishing! Professor Sprout? Professor Sprout?

PS: Yes Professor.

D: It's so astounding how your hand-made Plant-o-Ears let you hear so well, I just…

PS: Sir, I do believe you have a case of ADD.

D: Nonsense! Of course I don't have ADD! Just kidding. I actually have a large big toe, just kidding. I don't believe I have any toes. Just kidding. I've been to fifty seven parties in the last day, just kidding. I have 13 fingers, just kidding, I have nine. Just kidding. There must be something wrong with my brain, just kidding. I am absolutely perfect, just kidding. I'm actually a hippopotamus, just kidding. I am a wizard, just kidding, I'm a squib. For cereal! Just kidding. I had a burger for lunch, just kidding. I didn't have lunch just kidding.

PS: Well, Dumbledor, as usual, your broad intellectual abilities leave me dumbfounded. And I…wait a minute. What is that? Are you using the CAMO-flauge to spy on your pupils?

D: I don't need to spy on my pupils they're right here, Said** Dumbledor pointing to his eye.**

PS: Professor! And did you put a plant in Minerva's bathroom?

D: Uhhh..uhh…you are dismissed. I need to uhhh…trim my toenails and exercise my uvula!

**Ron.**

R: AHHHHH!!!! AHHHH!!!

**My world is OurWorld (see my profile for info.): I think people should be more conscientious when it comes to the environment. Littering is disgusting and people should use trashcans and dispose of the trash properly. Also, we shouldn't pollute our water, air or anything. Imagine going to the beach and swimming next to someone's underpants! No way, right? And who likes breathing in stinky stuff. I know I don't. **


	3. CAMOflauge

**OMG! Thank you so much olioli80 and RonandMioneforever!! Wolfember842, do I know you? I love you guys so much that I decided to write this story even though it's my bedtime!! You see, other people who read and DON'T review or vote on my polls, the more you show appreciation, the faster I write my stories. Without further ado, this one is dedicated to you Wolf, Olioli and Ronand!!! (I'll try to make this installment extra special for ya!).**

**When we last left Harry, he was sent to the DM, (Dungeon of Misdemeanors) by Professor Snape.**

HP: Harry, Harry Potter. Harry, Harry Potter. I'm the king of the school, yeah. Now I go down this hall and I go downstairs to the….DUNGEONS!! Do do do deep bup…

Random Dude: Rock on Potter!

HP: Urr…thanks? Oh, hi Ginny! Is that you? What are you doing here?

**Ginny has her orange hair up in a messy ponytail. She's wearing long, black boots, tights with little skulls on them, a black, super short leather skirt, a black and purple stripped, tight tank-top, and a bunch of Goth-like jewelry with spikes. Ginny is carrying a leather jacket over her shoulder and is munching on a piece of Expolodo-Chews: a type of gum that explodes every once in a while.**

G: Yep, bud. It's me.

HP: Umm, Ginny, you look…uh…different.

G: Yeah? *munch munch* You think so?

HP: Well, uh, never mind then. What are you doing here?

G: Well, McGonagle, sent me to the DM.

HP: But Ginny, you're a goody-goody who likes to wear Abercrombie and watches chick flicks every other day! You can't be going to DM.

G: Well, I grew out of it. *munch, munch, POOF*

HP: Well, let's get on with it. To the DM!

**Let's see if Ron got over his screaming fit.**

R: Ok, Ronald. Just breathe. In….and out….in….and out. Yeah, just like your yoga instructor tells you, and your therapist. Alright, I'm good. Now, what was I so worked up about? I was going to tell Harry something…Oh no! It must be my amnesia again! Oh Harry! Harry….AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HARRY'S GONE!!! IT'S MY VISION!! IT'S COMING TRUE!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

**Never mind. When we left Malfoy and Hermione, things were getting frisky and then Pansy jumped into the picture.**

P: Why Dracy-Raky? I'm a good girlfriend! Aren't I? Tell me I'm pretty!!! Get away from the Granger girl!!!! AHHHHHHAAAAAA!!!!

Her: Malfoy! I thought you broke up with her!

M: I never specifically said that!!

Her: No, but you DID imply it!

M: You don't have proof!

Her: Oh yeah? Prooficus Pastorificus! _Her: Well, I'm just glad to help! But what I don't understand is why you didn't ask to be partnered with Pansy. Aren't you two dating?_

_M: We are! I mean we were. *cough* Ar…are you sure that your protective charms are up correctly…I mean that sound barrier thing, and the cloaking spell?_ Is that proof enough for you, you backstabbing son of a Pixipila!

M: That doesn't prove anything! Why did you even come here Pansy?

P: And the frolicking in the flowers, and that time you did my hair…What?

Her: Yes, why did you decide to come here? It's already past dinner time. You have no business in the great hall, you…

Random guy: Pansy, I've been looking all over for…What?? Who are these people!?!?

M: Pansy!

P: It's, uhh…not what it looks like and…uh….come on Dean, lets get out of here.

M: Dean!? As in the GRYFFINDOR!?!?

P: Well, you're with a skanky mudblood!

M: But, you just found out I was here, and how long have you two been together?

Dean: In my defense, she told me she wasn't with you anymore.

**Ooo la la!!! Things are getting interesting aren't they? And how does Dumbledore play a role in all of this? Let's see what he's up to…**

D: Hahhaahaha!! HEHEHE!!!! Oh man, this is specatulamarvolexcelavishing!!!! Isn't it spec…

M: Professor, don't even think about finishing that question.

D: But, Minerva, I just…

M: Shush! Now, this "CAMO-flauge": you placed a plant in every corner of the school, correct?

D: Yeppers Snappers! I even included Seashore Shack beneath the Wallowing Willow, and Chamber of Spyglasses.

M: I know I have said this hundreds of times Professor, but every word that comes out of that mouth of yours is jibber jabber.

D: Oh! Why look at this, Pansy is exactly where I set her up to be! Marvelous, absolutely mareltasti…

M: Sir!

D: Excuse me, Minerva.

M: Are you interfering with the children's lives, as though they are playthings?

D: Well, what else is there for a headmaster to do?

M: Albus! That plant you sent me a while back that I placed in my bathroom is it…

D: Uhhh…if you think it's CAMO-flauge, it's not. Hehehe…*cough*

**My world is OurWorld (see my profile for more info): Ok, this one is about teens using drugs. I think it's disgusting. You shouldn't steal your parents' prescription drugs to get a "buzz" or anything. You shouldn't drink at parties if you're underage because you'll go crazy. Don't let your friends tell you everyone is doing it, because they're not. One of my mottos is, if you can't buy it, don't use it. This also goes along with smoking: it gives you bad breath, and it ruins your life and reputation. That is all.**


	4. Collin

**It's finally here, chapter…uhhh…what chapter is this??? Whatever. So, as some people might have realized I write a chapter a day. But, I have three stories and I only write chapters for them when I feel like it. So, if you like MACHOxMAN a lot, you can read my other stories too. Then you'll get a chapter a day! Isn't that fantabula…never mind. On with the story.**

**Ginny got a makeover and Harry is walking with her to the DM. Remember that Ginny has the Explodo-Chews gum.**

G: *chomp chomp phhhhhttttt chomp*

H: So, er, Ginny. Why did you get sent to the DM? I mean, it's not like you to be bad in class.

G: When you say I'm different, and it's not like me, do you mean in a good way? Do you like me?? I LOOOOVE YOU!!! Why don't you ever notice me? But, anyway, I transfigured my toad into a skull instead of a stool.

H: Oh, that's ummm…nice?

G: What about you?  
H: I told off Snape.

G: Nice. *chomp poof chomp*

H: Well, here we are, the infamous Dungeon of Misdemeanors. Taming those, that blemished the face of society. The rebels of the age, and the stolen, imported goods from Puerto Rice, uhh Rico stay within the bowels of the Dungeon…

G: You can stop now. I swear, sometimes, you can be just as prone to rambling as that freedlewaddle Dumbledor.

**OK, one last check up on Ron…wait, I think something's actually happening to him this time!**

R: OK, I need to talk to someone. That's what my therapist said. At this point I'll talk to anyone!

Collin: LALALALALALA!!! ME AND MY CAMERA!!!!!! HAHHAAHAHA!!! MY CAMERA AND I!!!!

R: Collin!! I could kiss you!

C: You finally love me?

R: No, you gay. I need to talk to you!

C: Well sweetheart, you came to the right person. I'm all ears. You can count on me!

R: Ok, well you see…

C: Oh, fiddlesticks, Ronald. We cannot possibly talk out here, what with this dirt and muck. I didn't even bring my wet-wipes! Let us forge on to the common room where I'll make us some tea and we'll talk properly amongst cakes and biscuits.

**Well, that was more eventful for Ron than usual. I guess it's time to look up on Hermione, Malfoy, Pansy, and now Dean.**

P: BE QUIET EVERYONE!!! I. AM. CONFUZZLED!

Her: All right, for those without brains. I'll break it down for you. Draco asked me to be his study-buddy because he didn't understand potions and needed to suck up to Snape. He also requested that we keep our study sessions a secret, and I decided to have them here after dinner, because everyone is in their common rooms after dinner. So, I put up a few charms for extra protection, but they must have broken and the only thing that can break them is an extremely profound witch or wizard or a magical object with opposite properties.

D: So you're saying that there might be a magical object that canceled out your spell. And since your spells were meant to keep people out, than that must mean that there is something in here spying on us!

Her: Exactly. But what I don't understand is what it could be. The only foreign objects in here are that plant in the corner, which couldn't possibly be spying on us; our books, or perhaps it was something that was in here all along like one of the tables.

P: I am still confused!

Her: Ok, so I tried to make the study sessions a secret. Meany Malfoy here told me that he broke up with you! And apparently you, Pansy, were cheating on him with Dean!

D: Hey, wait a minute, don't glare at me! I'm just an innocent bystander. Pansy might have been with Seamus, for all we know!

M: Pansy, why are you blushing? Wait, you're with Seamus too!! Ugh! For all we know Pansy might be cheating on everyone and maybe even got with a teacher!

Her: Oh no, Pansy!

**What does Dumbledor know of this?  
**F: Dumbledor, stop staring like that with your mouth agape, or a fly will fly into it!!

D: Sorry Professor Flitwick, but this is a turn even I didn't expect, who is this teacher Pansy is referring to?

F: Oh!! That!! Errr….ummm…*harrumph* I don't know, Professor.

D: Hehe, oh Flitwick, you have the most high and squeaky voice! It's fascinating!

F: So, the CAMO-flauge really works!

D: Exacto-mundo, Professor! Oh the things I've seen!

F: But, Albus, that Granger girl almost had it figured out. If one of the students reports the plants, then the authorities will come. Investigations, interviews! They'll go the whole kahunna! I can't go through that again Dumbledor! I CAN'T!!!!

D: Oh, Flitwick, as usual I have thought of that and devised a most extravagant solution. On every plant, there lies a forgetfulness spell. Haven't you wondered what was going on with Ronald Weasley? MUAHAHAHA!!!!

F: Sir?

D: Excuse me, Professor. Will you excuse me?? Will you?? Am I excused?? Professor? Professor, am I? Am I??? Am I Professor…?

**Alright then, see you next time, Macho Man.**

**My World is OurWorld (see profile): Recently I've realized that some people can be pretty mean. I don't mean in the popular-head-cheerleader-prep sort of mean, though that is a problem. Some of my friends, who are generally nice people, make fun of others, especially kids who have mental disorders. Well, I think that that is mean and petty. You shouldn't be mean to anyone, because it is rude and unattractive. *flips out hair***


	5. Tea, Love Potion, and Hagrid's buttok

**I know I've been misspelling Dumbledore everyone, just a side note.**

**Another side note: The letters representing who's talking may be a bit different than what they originally were, but you'll figure it out…**

**This one goes out to GothGirl! GothGirl whoever you are, wherever you may be, I am thinking of you right now as I am writing this. I am not a stalker. You see other people who don't review to my stories, when someone reviews, I will start the next chapter ASAP!!! Ok, GothGirl, I hope you like it!**

**Harry and Ginny made it to the door of the DM.**

H: So here we are! Let's go in!

**There are a bunch of desks arranged in no particular order. People are throwing around pieces of paper, and acting like monkeys. In the corner, a chubby boy is cowering.**

G: Neville! What are you doing here!

N: I….I don't know! I just passed out after some slytherins made me chug down Fire Whiskey, and when I woke up, I was in the Dungeon of Misdemeanors!! WAAAA!!!!

H: Calm down, Neville, it's not like this is the end of the world. It's just detention.

N: Are you sure? Have you heard the rumors about this place? Some say, Snape himself comes here to suck a kid's blood. That's why there's always at least one, who never returns from the dungeons!

H: Well, all of these people seem to be ok and they're always in the DM.

N: That's because they leave the misfit for Snape. Who do you think the misfit is here? Me!

G: Ugh, suck it up Longbottom, you'll survive.

N: Even if I do survive this, how can I survive my grandma when she hears about it? Ohhhh….

Random Guy 2: Petrificas Panticus!

N: AHHH!!!

G: *sigh* the wedgie spell.

H: Would you knock it off, Goyle, you big buffoon!

Goyle: *snort*

Crabbe: Come on then, are you's gonna stop us, ey?

G: No, I will. With my bat boogey hex if you don't stop.

N: Th-thank you, Ginny.

**Ok, so Neville got drunk and is at the Dungeon of Misdemeanors. Meanwhile in the common room…**

R: Thanks Collin, I really need to talk to someone.

C: Of course, darling, you know I'm always here for you. Oh! I do believe the tea is ready! **(A minute later) **Here you are, Ronald. Do be careful for you might scald yourself. The tea is quite hot, though not as hot as you.

R: First thing first Collin, get rid of your infatuation with me. It's disgusting. You know I'm trying to impress Hermione.

C: Oh, but didn't you hear? She's secretly going out with Draco Malfoy. *sip* they've been meeting each other in the great hall almost every night for the past month.

R: WHAT!?! How could you know all this?

C: Oh, there's nigh a thing in this school that my camera and I don't see. For instance, I happen to know, that Ginny, your little sister, has gone Goth to try to get Harry to notice her. Pravati and Padma have a triplet that is a squib. Their mother didn't want her to go to Hogwarts and is kept a secret from the world. Their father doesn't even know about her! Dumbledore is really perverted. So yeah, I know a lot of the going on's in the school.

R: Wow Collin! So, what I wanted to tell you was….AHHHH!!!

C: What? What is it?? Ron?? Ron, sweety, are you all right??

**OMG! What's up with Ron? You'll have to wait and see…So back to the Dean, Pansy, Hermione, Malfoy thing.**

M: What I really want to know Pansy is how long you have been cheating on me.

P: I…I…my feet are pretty.

D: But you know what makes this all the more interesting?

Her: What?

D: Through all of this, Ron was trying to hit on Hermione!

Her: Really? **Hermione is trying to keep tears from flowing.**

D: Yep, didn't you notice? He tried to get you chocolates for Valentines Day, but then Malfoy here put that dead frog in instead. Now I finally get it! Malfoy was ruining Ron's attempts at flirting so he could win you over himself?

Her: WHAT!? Ron liked me this whole time?! Draco, would you care to explain yourself?

M: Does love need an explanation?

P: Yes, WOULD you care to explain yourself?

D: Wait, when did you start to get feelings for Hermione?

M: Well, I've always loved her, now that I think about it. But I realized it the night I switched Ron's chocolates for the dead frog. The chocolates were Godiva and oh so yummy. As I ate them, I realized that I was in love with Hermione.

Her: Oh no…There must have been a love potion in the chocolate!

D: But, why would Ron want to make you fall in love with yourself? Wouldn't it be more prudent to make the love potion so you would fall in love with HIM?

M: I love you, Hermione!

P: Twenty twelve!

Her: Someone must have set us up!

**Gasp! I bet its Dumbledore again and his crazy schemes. **

D: I love being headmaster, do you like being gamekeeper/ care of magical creatures professor, Hagrid.

H: Aye sir!

D: Ok, now what should I do. I haven't really done anything to Harry yet, hmmm….

H: Aye sir!

D: Is that all you can say Hagrid?

H: Aye sir!

D: Well, to get to Harry, I'll go to Ginny.

H: Aye sir!

D: Hehe….oh yes, this is going to be spectacular.

H: Aye sir!

D: That's getting annoying, but since it is the only thing you can say…

H: My buttock itches.

**My World is OurWorld (see profile): Hmm…what to write, what to write…I know! Save electricity people! Use energy efficient light bulbs; turn off the lights when you leave a room, etcetera. **


	6. Botonaphobia

**Thank you once again, GothGirl1865, your constructive criticism means a lot to me, and be sure to thank your drama teacher for me too! Upon your request, I will try to make the stories longer, but still short enough that you'll squirm and beg for the next one. As for everyone else, shame on you! Follow Ms. Drama teacher's advice and constructively criticize!**

**Every random person represented in this story will from now on be RG, until otherwise notified.**

**When we last entered the Dungeon of Misdemeanors, we found Neville cowering pathetically in a corner.**

HP: Ok, Neville, how about Ginny and I ask around to see if these rumors are true. If they're not, can you promise me that you'll never act like a frightened flobberworm ever again? It's creepy.

N: Sure…I guess.

G: All right then. **Ginny walks up to a fifth year and punches him in the face.**

5th: Hey! What the duck was that for?! **Ohhh, burn Ginny.**

G: Shut up narrator!

HP: Just ignore it, I do.

G: Now, then, where was I? **She kicks him in the, uhh…**

5th: OWW!!! Do I even know you?

HP: Umm, Ginny, I think you should let me handle this. *slap*

5th: WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!!!!???

HP: Don't give me questions, give me results! *slap, slap, slap*

G: You're clearly not doing any good.

5th: Ok, BEFORE you kill me, what do you want from me?

HP: You know the rumors about kids dying in the Dungeons, right?

5th: Yeah. *oofff* Why did you just knee me?

G: Answer his question!

5th: I am! AHH!! Yes, I know about it. We usually gang up on the most pathetic kid and leave him for Snape. If we leave him sacrifices he leaves us alone.

G: HAAYAA!

HP: Ginny, that was completely unnecessary.

G: Yeah, but its fun.

5th: Ok, get away from me you freaks, I told you all I know.

N: WAAAA!!!!! **Neville is sucking his thumb and is curled up in a fetal position.**

N: No I'm not! **I am the narrator, ruler of all!!! MUAHAHAHA!! I can make you do what I want. Now get back to the story.**

HP: Sorry to break it to you Neville. Oh look, detention is over. See ya! Or not.

RG: Well, we could leave Harry or Ginny…

G: *growl*

RG: Never mind. **He said, curling up and making the "Adam's leaf" with his hands. He saw what happened to the fifth year.**

G: See you Neville!

**Poor Neville, will we ever see him again? *hint hint wink wink* **

**Once again, it is time for the latest episode of "What the **** is up with Weasley?" Guest starring, Collin and his camera! Location: scenic Gryffindor common room.**

_R: Wow Collin! So, what I wanted to tell you was….AHHHH!!!_

_C: What? What is it?? Ron?? Ron, sweety, are you all right??_

R: AHHHH!!!

C: What is the matter?

R: A plant!! A PLANT!!

C: *click click* This is the most serious case of botanophobia I have yet seen!

R: PLANT, PLANT!!!! **Ron walks over to the plant, throws it on the ground and stomps on it. Immediately a troop of house elves marches in.**

HE: Doo do do deep baa! Doo do do dee! **They clean up the mess and leave.**

C: Well, that was odd. Not as odd as what happened last Puddlemore United game, but still quite odd. Don't you thing camera?

Camera: click click clickclick

C: That's Morse code for; I have seen many odd things in my day, Collin.

R: OK, ok, I'm okay.

C: Does this have something to do with what you wanted to tell me? Or no, wait. Seeing visions, botanophobia, freckles! Ron you must be gay! Why ever didn't you tell me?

R: I'm not gay you perv! But I did want to talk about my fear of plants. Here's the thing, recently, I've been getting a weird vibe from some of them. Kind of like de ja vu, but different. Somehow, it's all connected to the visions I've been having. I wanted to talk to Harry about it, because naturally, he's always the center of everything. But he probably left while I was in the middle of another vision! The funny thing is, that's how all of my visions start out, with Harry leaving. After Harry leaves, all these bad things start to happen.

C: Well, I agree with you on one point. Harry leaving a room is always a bad thing, unless it's with you, holding your hand. *sigh* But everything else, vibes, visions; they are dear old Professor Trelawney's area of expertise. Now sweetie-pie, I'll walk with you to her if you want me to.

R: Okay. But I don't like that old superstitious tea bag. **You asked for it Ron, was it not you who said you were ready to talk to ANYONE about your problems?**

C: It's alright; the narrator gets on my nerves too. I wanted to be big, strong, and have large biceps and abdominals and have long blond hair that waved in the wind.

R: Riiiiiight….

C: TO TRELAWNEY!!!

**I'm trying GothGirl, this story is going to be pretty long.**

**Anyway, it's time once again to check out the Dean-Pansy-Malfoy-Hermione love quadrangle thing.**

D: Yes, exactly! Someone who knew that Malfoy was going to sabotage the chocolate and eat it, someone who knew that Hermione was having a hard time with Ron (even though she loves him), and someone crazy and smart enough to somehow pull Pansy and me into the picture must have done it!

Her: I do believe you're right Dean! I never knew you were so smart!

D: Well, I really like doing crosswords, and those other puzzles in the muggle newspapers. It has made me extremely gifted in this type of didactic problem/mystery solving.

M: That cat's out of the bag Hermione, do you love me too?  
P: Porta-poty!

Her: Well, Pansy is a dimwit, so it wouldn't be so hard to manipulate her. And you, Dean, are desperate for a girlfriend…

D: I am not! **I'm the narrator and I say you are.** Fine. Stupid narrators. **I heard that.**

D: Well, how could someone have known that Malfoy was going to eat the chocolates all by himself?

M: Oh! I think I can answer that. You see, McGonagle made me skip dinner as a punishment that day, and I received a tip-off about Weasley and the chocolates. I decided to hit two birds with one stone and steal the chocolate while giving that dork a hard time!

Her: Ron is not a dork Malfoy!

M: Since when? Since you realized he loves you? Well, I love you too, so there!

Her: You're on love potion, Ron loved me this whole time and I've been an idiot and not even noticed it!

D: Ok, and as for you Hermione, that's easy. The whole school is in on the fact that Ron's into you.

Her: You're not helping, Dean.

D: The only missing piece is how everything else fits into this. Who would do this?

Her: Who could do this?

P: Lalalalala. I look pretty in a bikini!

**HELP!! I have writers block! If you want me to continue this, I need ideas! Until then, I will be taking the week off and/or writing for my other stories.**

**My World is OurWorld (see profile): Rant on legible handwriting. You know how some people write chicken scratch? Well, some chicken scratch you can actually make out, other chicken scratch is just that. Chicken scratch. I don't mean to say people should write super neatly all the time, just, you know, legibly.**


	7. Neville's downfall

**Congratulations, Miss Miranda, you are in the Macho hall of fame, up there with GothGirl. This segment is dedicated to you, and yes, please do recommend this story to your friends and tell them to tell their friends to tell their friends to tell their friends. Thanks for the Constructive Criticism and I will use your information and ideas wisely. And I'm also glad you liked my dialogue format, I got the idea from ScholarlyDimwit, she also has lots of great stories, (including HP parodies!).**

**By the way, HE, are House elves if you haven't figured it out already.**

**This chapter will start a bit differently. As we didn't look into the Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore last time, we'll start it off from there.**

D: *snore snore*

P. Sprout: Dumbledore I…

D: *snort snort snore*

PS: **Professor Sprout takes out a pen and a piece of paper and writes the following:**

_Dumbledore,_

_As you may already know, a couple of CAMO-flauge plants have been destroyed. I am too lazy to do anything about it myself, but I didn't want to wake you. I still have nightmares from the last time. _

_So, if you need my assistance I'll be in Greenhouse 2, preparing my little man-eating plants their dinner. It's best that you don't look into how I feed them. _

_Your trousers and the sorting hat are at the drycleaners; you were supposed to pick them up yesterday._

_Also, Voldemort and his minions may be attempting to break into the castle, but of course, they won't be able to get in._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Professor Sprout_

**Outside:**

V: NOO!!! Why. Can't. I. Get. Through!!!

**Somewhere in the Hufflepuff dormitory, two girls are talking while drinking their tea.**

1: Oh, I do hate it when the dark wizards try to attack. *sip*

2: Indubidably, my dear friend, *sip* it is quite the bother.

**Back to the headmaster.**

PS: Alright then.** She leaves/**

D: *snore, snore, ghhhrtt* What was that Mr. Clooney? Hmmm…I must have dozed off. Now what was I doing? Oh right, I was about to think of how to mess up Harry Potter's life. **While Dumbledore was waking up, he accidentally knocked over Professor Sprout's letter. **I did? **Uhh, no. **I am quite sure, narrator, that my hearing is very excellent, as is my memory. **Well, you're right, I did say that, but umm…It's a secret, shhhhh!** Oh! Ok, I love a good secret!

**You know what this means, Miss Miranda? That's right. Because Dumbledore dozed off, he missed the last chapter! So, he doesn't know that Hermione is on to him, that Ron has botanophobia, or that Harry and Ginny are skipping detention. The creative juices are flowing! To the Dungeons!**

N: No Harry! You can't just leave me!

HP: Sorry, Neville, but the rumors are true and I want to skip the last hour of detention. Just in case.

G: Yeah, and you can tell us all about it when you come out.

N: Bbb…bbbbut….

G: No butts LongBOTTOM!

**Nothing too interesting will happen to Harry in the next hour or so, so we'll venture to the potions classroom and Snape.**

S: That classsssss is why werewolves are horrible and vampires are cool.

RG: Are you a vampire, professor?

S: SSSSSShut up you stupid, inssssolent first year!!! Alright, class dismisssssed. **Snape decided to make an early visit to the DM, and surprise the hooligan students.**

N: AHHHHH!!!

S: LONGBOTTOM!! What is the meaning of this?

N: Don't eat me!

S: Eat you? Why on earth would I eat you?

N: Bbb..bb…bbbbut, that's what you do to student's in here, right?

S: WRONG!! I'll just suck your blood!

N: NO!!! I knew it! You are a vampire!!

S: No, dip.

N: But what are you going to do to me?

S: I just told you, you buffoon! I'll suck your blood!!!!!!!!!!!!!

N: OMG!! YOU HAVE FANGS!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
S: tsssss……

**I know, I know, whatever will happen next? I'm not exactly sure myself, but I'll think of something. Anyway, time to check on Hermione, Malfoy…you know the rest.**

D: HIIYAA!

Her: Dean! Why did you destroy that potted plant?

D: Just in case…aha! There it is: the price tag!

Her: What label? Plants don't have tags!

P: Yeah, plants don't have tags.

D: My mom saw an advertisement for one of these in that new soap opera, Witches and Warlocks. It's called, umm…Karma's gauge or something.

M: Are you talking about CAMO-flauge?

Her: What do you know about those?

P: What _do_ you know about those?

M: Well, my dad has them just in case someone steals something during the biannual Death Eaters meet at our house…never mind, I uhh, I mean, I also saw the add.

Her: Okay…

P: Okaaaaayy…

Her: Stop it! I already said all that!

P: But you already said all that.

Her: Never mind.

P: My thoughts exactly.

Her: So, what does it, ZIP IT PANSY!!!

D: Well, it's kind of a security device. It's virtually undetectable by magic. You can only discover that it's not a real plant by the tag at the back. Whoever did this must have forgotten to cut off the tag. I've seen new plants all around this school…uhh… what's that?

HE: Doo do do deep bup, doo doo do dee. **The elves came and went in an elaborate display that would make Disney proud.**

P: That was odd.

Her: So the dummy can speak for herself.

D: So now, we don't have to be worried about being overheard!

Her: NOW!? As in, all that stuff that we said earlier, was overheard?

D: Well, we can't really know for sure, but yeah, something like that.

M: Oh crap! That means we have to get to dormitories right now! We'll be caught before you can yell hippogriff!

P: Why would we get caught?

M: It's simple, only a teacher would put these up. I don't think students are even allowed to decorate the entire school with tasteless blossoms.

Her: You're right! Let's GO!!

**OK, time to meet Trelawney!**

PT: Come in, my children.

C: Greeting Professor Trelawney! *click*

PT: Do not take photos in a place of mystery and magic! It's bad luck.

R: It's just one of the Hogwarts towers.

PT: EXACTLY!!! Now, I can sense that this is not a purely social visit. Colin! You're moon is dim tonight! You're girlfriend will break up with you, and you will never see her again! She will die a most painful death in the name of love.

C: Umm, professor? I'm gay.

PT: Of course you are dear! People like you are always happy! **Gay used to be used to mean happy or joyful back before people took everything the wrong way. **Quite right! Quite right!

C: No, I mean I like guys and kahoonies. **And you were wondering why this is rated T.**

PT: OH MY DEAR! Since when?

C: A while, but I came here with Ron. He's the one who needs to talk to you.

PT: Oh, dear, are you gay too?

R: NO! Why does everyone assume that?

PT: Well, it's just that the way the stars aligned tell me that you are to have a sex change.

R: WHAT!?

PT: Well, err…what would you like to talk about? OH! Let me try to guess it out! Have some tea! You too gay boy. **Trelawney poured them all some tea and frightened of the crazy lady, the boys hurriedly drank their tea.**

PT: Oh, your tealeaves tell me much about you Collin. Unfortunately, your grandmother won't make it out of the hospital. She will have a stroke on Friday.

C: You missed the date by about two years. She's been dead a while now.

PT: Your grandfather then.

C: He's 99 and still skydiving.

PT: Screw your tealeaves. Ronald! Give yours here.

R: Well, what do you see?

PT: A giraffe if I look sideways, but otherwise, I see the logo of Puddlemore United. But if I turn it here!! AHH!!

R: WHAT!? What is it?

PT: I see the krim!

C: You do mean the grim?

PT: No! The krim is the grim's brother! The krim announces the presence of something other. Like a power, or a force. Mr. Weasley, are you going through puberty?

R: No! I mean, I'm in the process of puberty, but I wouldn't talk to you about my man-cycles! Ok, not that this wasn't astonishing or mind-blowing, I have to leave now. Collin?

C: Yes, sir! *click*

PT: Good by boys! Beware of the third son of the fourth son of the eighth daughter!

R: I swear the lady just makes this up as she goes.

**OK, not as long as I wanted it to be, but I got tired and wanted to finish. Until next time!**

**My World is OurWorld (see profile): Save paper! Recycle! That speaks for itself.**


	8. Witches and Warlocks ep 8

**Alright, only gothgirl and wolfember reviewed the last chapter. COME ON PEOPLE, REVIEW. And thanks you two, it gets my spirits up when I get an email saying that someone reviewed…it really does!**

**OK, I think I have some explaining to do. It seems as though the universe is against me doing a chapter a day. First, after keeping up CD (chapter/day) for about two weeks I decided to take a break. After the break, my computer broke. After it was fixed, I couldn't log into FanFiction because of some technical glitch or whatever. So now (finally) I'm back to satisfy the needs of my loyal fans (with the new-and-improved one chapter ALMOST every day)! Enjoy this HP DM Holiday Special! Which holiday you ask? Well, uhhh…ummm…hmmm….Leif Berikson Day!**

**Don't change the channel, another episode of Witches and Warlocks is coming up next on: the W.**

G: Francesco, I am under your spell.

F: Gabriella, you mean much to me, but we can't go on like this, meeting in secret. It's too much.

G: B...B…but don't you love me?  
F: Don't you get it? I've never loved you!! I'm married to Rafaela and I love her!

G: AHH!!!

//////////////////

J: Rafaela, we can do this.

R: Jose, I know, but this is a big step. And your mother hates me.

J: But, you don't know my mother, you've never met her!

R: I'm sorry Jose!!! I have met your mother! She's such a troll!

J: But, if you lied about this, what else have you lied about? Huh? Answer me Rafaela!

////////////////

G: Mr. Hernandez, I don't know what to do.

H: Mmmhm…mmhhhhmmm….now how does that make you _feel? _

G: Depressed, Hernandez. I never told my beloved son, Jose, that he has a sister. When their father ran away he took her with them. Her name was Rafaela. **OMG!!!** I met her one day, and I told her to get away from me and my son.

H: Well, Gabriella, you do know how I feel about you.

G: Excuse me?

H: Gabriella, you are the love of my life! I don't know what I'll do once you're out of therapy!

G: Oh, Mr. Hernandez!

H: Please, call me Marty.

////////////////////

Police dude: Stop right there.

**A guy in a mask turns around and shoots the police guy.**

RG: Yes, but I must be going. **He takes off his mask, reveling himself to be…**

////////////////////

**This program was brought to you by, CAMO-flauge: you knows you're not nosy.**

**Dooo doo do doo do CAMO-flauge! CAMO CAMO CAMO-flauge! Do you have nosy neighbors; a stray cat that comes to your door that you're sure is actually an animagus? Or do you just want to spice up your life? Well, CAMO-flauge is right for you!! Place a few virtually undetectable CAMO-flauge plants wherever they're needed, and you'll know exactly what's going down in your house, your neighbors' houses, and your town! Just wave to 11409, that's: wave to 11409.**

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Professor Trelawney: Oh curse these blasted commercial brakes!! Jupiter is in harsh alignment for those how created this merchandise, and those how purchase it are dunderheads.

**Dumbledore runs in.**

D: Professor! I was just watching Witches and Warlocks. That CAMO-flauge is just right for this school, don't you think? Don't you? Don't you, Professor Trelawney? You think, professor? Yes? What do you think? What do…?

////////////////

Dean: Hmm…that's weird, CAMO-flauge. It's useful, but weird.

Seamus: Hey Dean, I uhh...what are you watching?

Dean: Uh…*click* just a…the geometry channel? *click* Football, yes, I am watching football. Go team! Score that goal!

Seamus: O…kay?

**So, what do you think? The real story will start up again soon, don't worry.**

**My world is OurWorld: People listen to their iPods really loudly. Turn it down a notch.**


	9. Hermione's a Dunderhead

**OK, so GothGirl reviewed, but I won't dedicate another story to her. This story will be dedicated to…Disney channel!! (I don't particularly like the things I'll add, but I like to make fun of it.) Thanks. I have nothing to say…hum…on with the story?**

**Let's start with Harry! When we left him, he ran away from the dungeons an hour early with Ginny and the delinquents. I said nothing interesting will happen to him, and it didn't. Ginny went to the library and Harry back to the common room.**

HP: Ohhh, I've got a Spiderman T-shirt…I've got converse that are rotting off my feet…Oh! Hi Nick!

NHN: OHH!!! I AM A GHOST!! WAAAABWAAAGOOeeEEEEE!!!!

HP: Nice try, but you still don't got it.

NHN: I will find a way into the Headless Hunt!! IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!!!!!

R: But you're already dead, you can't have a last thing you do, technically.

C: Roniekins, you never had much in the way of tact.

NHN: Ron, have you no heart?

R: Well, I do. But you don't.

NHN: *sniff sniff* I…I'm just going to try to commit suicide. Again. **He leaves.**

HP: Ron!! You weren't eaten by a herd of wild Mexican yams! And Collin, your family didn't sell you to the circus after all!

C: Yep! But that was just a rumor. Me and Ronald just came from dear Trelawney's office, isn't that right Ronald.

R: Err, yeah. Collin, why don't you uh, watch all three High School Musical movies back to back. I'll join you later.

C: Oh you will!! Splendid! We're all in this together right?

HP: Now, you're pushing it to the limit…

C: Come on, it could be the start of something new.

R: Get'cha head in the game, Harry. We'll join _Collin later!! *wink wink*_

HP: Bop to the top Ron, are you trying to tell me something explicit, because I don't get it.

C: Well, I'd better get the DVD's running. Stick to the status quo guys!!

HP: What just happened?

R: *sigh* nothing, Harry. Let's go, I've got to tell you something.

**Hehe. Let's go to… (Flips coin)…oh shoot… (Flips coin again)…where'd it go… (Gets new coin)…there we go… (Flips new coin). Got it! We'll see Dumbledore and Flitwick!**

F: You see Dumbledore, that way; I can get the best of both worlds. At night, I disguise myself with this wig and sparkly outfits. No one can tell that I'm a wizard.

D: That…that was…give me a minute *blows nose*. I'm alright, it's just: that was beautiful. I never suspected it, that you are in fact…

F: Shh!! You can't say it out loud!! It's a secret.

D: I like secrets!! I'm already keeping one for the narrator. When I woke up from my snooze, I accidentally knocked over some uber important letter Prf. Sprout left me. The narrator told me not to pay attention to it.

F: What!? You actually LISTENED to the narrator!! We're the semi-bad guys in this story; she's trying to bring us down!! We need to find that paper; it must have something important on it!! Quickly before…

**And by some strange, unexplainable phenomenon, the piece of paper in Dumbledore's office disappeared, to be replaced with his great aunts' toothbrush. (Yes, the apostrophe was meant to be there…) You can't prove anything!!! Flitwick little ears turned bright red as he huffed and puffed.**

D: Psssst…does that mean we're too late?

**Oh, I'm good. Now let's see how the Hermione team is doing…or no wait. I want to tell you about Neville and Snape first. Never mind!!**

S: Oh bleh!! What in the world is your blood type Longbottom?

N: Uh, double C negative?

S: …I'm not going to ask. Ok, so you're a lucky guy Neville. Or unlucky, if you look at it in another perspective.

N: Www…what do you mean?

S: Ssssssince I can't stand to ssssswallow that liquid that runs in your veinssss which you call blood, you will become a vampire. On one hand, you'll be immortal and won't get your blood sssucked.

N: What about the right hand?  
S: What right hand?

N: You said on ONE HAND and I assumed it would be your left.

S: Why would you assume that?

N: I dunno.

S: Well, what if it was my right hand?

N: Which hand are we talking about?

S: The hand I was making a point with.

N: Which hand were you pointing at?

S: Why can't you see the point?

N: AHHH!!! Which point?!

S: Never mind. You have two months of terrible agony to endure before you turn into a vampire. At the end of the two monthssss, you will die, and wake up immortal. There. That's the hand I was pointing with. Wait, what did I just say?

N: Oh! That's the point!

S: Good luck! *cough not cough* The newest "Witches and Warlocks" is on in fifteen minutes! I cannot miss a single second of Gabriella and Francesco!

N: NO!!!!!!

S: What? How dare you sssspeak to me in that insssolent manner boy!! To the dunge…uhh, never mind.

N: Gabriella and Francesco are never getting together! Mr. Hernandez is like, Gabby's other half! If you ask me, Francesco is the one who framed Rafaela for the murder.

S: Ahh, who cares what you think. You're sentenced to eternal damnation anyway.

**Lastly, but not leastly (uhhh?), Hermione!!**

**When we left off, the crew was running back to their common rooms. Dean took a shortcut to the Gryffindor common room and got there first. Hermione, on the other hand (WHICH HAND????), took a long way to have time to think of all that's happened that night.**

H: Could Ron really like me? Where those inept attempts to talk to me, attempts to flirt?

///////////////////////

**Before the Yule Ball.**

R: Hermione!

H: This had better be important Ronald!

R: Well, I just wanted to know if you'd like to look at nature with me through the window. It's a lovely day and…

H: Get out!! Can't you see I'm studying!!!

**What happened after Hermione left the room:**

**Ron looks out the window.**

R: Uh, guys! She didn't want to! **From outside the window, Harry, Dean, Seamus, and a couple of others were holding a large sign saying: Hermione, will you go to the ball with me? ~Ron**

//////////////////////

H: Oh dear, what about that time in the great hall?

////////////////////

R: Err, Hermione?

H: I'm reading Ron.

R: I was just wondering if you'd like a piece of toast.

H: Uh!! Can't a girl get some privacy around here!!

/////////////////////

H: WHY!?? How could I be such a dolt? That time in the common room when he was starring at me…

///////////////////

H: Oh no, I have the largest pimple in the world!! Well, I'm just helping Harry and Ron study for a potions test today, they're nice enough not to be rude about it.

**At study time, Hermione noticed Ron starring at her over his potions book very often.**

H: Why Ron!?? How can you be so horrible!!

R: Whaaa???

HP: I bet its girl trouble…

/////////////////

H: Oh Ron, I love you. Why am saying all of my inner feelings out loud? **Because otherwise, the audience won't be able to know what you're thinking. **AHH!!! IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!!!!! Breathe Hermione, breathe. It must be pre-exam stress…**No its not? **THE BLEEGIAN DRAGON IS FROM NORWEGIA!! Oh, no! Norwegia isn't even a country! It's Norway!! I must study!!!

**He! He! Hope you liked it!**

**My World is OurWorld: Mika is a cool band. Check it out on youtube or something.**

**In this chapter, at the very beginning, Harry is signing Hail to the Geek by the Deaf Pedestrians. I realize that some people may not know this. It is a very funny, and very good song. Check it out while you're listening to Mika.**


	10. Witches and Warlocks ep 9

**I got rid of my other two stories (don't worry; they were short and just as a try out of FanFiction). Now, HPDM will go strong!!! As it is now my only story! Well, I don't have much to say. I mean, people are reviewing and I'm so darn happy that you guys like me…I…I just…give me a moment…*sniff* OH! I know what to say! Did you know I update my profile like, every week? Yep, it's true! For any new macho related information you wish to seek, check my profile! It's actually pretty cool if I do say so myself.**

**Even though only Wolfember842 reviewed for the last chapter, I wanted to do a new one. Not that you don't mean anything it's just that you're so darn special, it would be unfair to count you. This chapter is for all the machetes out there! (A machete is he/she who supports the MachoMan!) RG is random guy/girl.**

**Let's go to Snape (hehe)…**

_S: Good luck! *cough not cough* The newest "Witches and Warlocks" is on in fifteen minutes! I cannot miss a single second of Gabriella and Francesco!_

_N: NO!!!!!!_

_S: What? How dare you sssspeak to me in that insssolent manner boy!! To the dunge…uhh, never mind._

_N: Gabriella and Francesco are never getting together! Mr. Hernandez is like, Gabby's other half! If you ask me, Francesco is the one who framed Rafaela for the murder._

_S: Ahh, who cares what you think. You're sentenced to eternal damnation anyway._

**Snape left to his office and turned on channel 24. I know!! Everyone probably wants the story, but me just LOVE Witches and Warlocks!**

**///////////////////////////////**

…**AND THAT'S WHY YOU NEEED FIFTEEN FIRST!! Remember: doon doon doom. Pick your flowers at Fifteen first!**

**And now, back to Witches and Warlocks.**

**////////////////////////////**

Police dude: Stop right there.

**A guy in a mask turns around and shoots the police guy.**

RG: Yes, but I must be going. **He takes off his mask, reveling himself to be…some random guy whose face we don't see because…it's….in the…shadows!! GRR!!! I was so looking forward to this!**

PD: NO!!

Another RG: Police officer Schwartz!

POS: Officer Nancy!! You can't let him get away!

PON: Mr. Schwartz, what happened?

POS: It's too late for me, my dear Nancy. He shot me in the epidermis. I'll die momentarily…

PON: There must be something I can do?

POS: You can make the last moments of my life happy. First, avenge my death Nancy, catch the crook. I have some leads…OWW!!...*gasp*…seven, thirteen, twenty five, Nancy! Don't forget it!! All the information!! It makes sense, Rafaela's mother. The reason she was in jail…*wheeze* the murderer…

PON: I'll try my best, but I have to get you to the ER.

POS: No, I'm practically dead already.

PON: *cry* B.b..but…there must be something…

POS: Shush!! *ooff*…listen Nancy, before I die…

PON: What? What is it??

POS: I…I…*wheeze* I love you…Nancy….**HE'S DEAD!!**

PON: NOO!!!!!!! **Why?? Why did he have to die!!!! *sob***

////////////////////////////////////

R: I'm so sorry Jose!

J: Tell me, Rafaela? Why? I proposed to you, I love you!

R: Jose, your mother…was my cell mate.

J: EGAD!

R: Yes, Jose. I was sentenced, because I killed my best friend. Her name was Nancy. **Egad! Could she be our police officer Nancy?! **Your mother was in for smuggling some illegal goods and multiple killings, but I believe she was framed. She was just so sincere and genuine. When we talked, I really thought she would be my friend. She told me everything about her life and I told her about my life and I don't believe someone like that could have possibly done any of the things she was in for!

J: But, she's here now. Things like that; you're put in jail years for. And how come I never knew of this?

R: She told me that too. When she was on an extended vacation in Jamaica, she was never really in Jamaica.

J: Well, why was she let out?

R: Because the killer struck again while she was under heavy guard.

J: No!

R: Oh yes. They checked every cell, every criminal. We were all there. Even Olga who constantly escapes but is always caught again. All of us. Every single one of us was in shock. We didn't know what to do. Neither did the police. They sent out 10 guards. Two returned. But they're both still in the hospital with amnesia.

J: How did you get out?

R: I paid my way out.

J: But if you and my mother were friends…what happened?

R: Well, as you know, she was released. But she was still a suspect.

J: What? Why?? You tried to help her didn't you? You said that you thought she was framed!

R: I did. But even though I don't think she committed the actual crime, I do think she played a part in it somewhere. Maybe she did it to cover up for the real criminal, or maybe as an informant. I wouldn't know.

J: But how could you make such an accusation?

R: Well, she never had an alibi, and she refused to tell me about it either. I just knew. I was sent out a while later after her and the first thing I did was track her so I could tell her the good news. What awaited me was surprising…

_G: GET AWAY FROM ME!!! YOU TRAITOR!! STAY AWAY!!!! GO!!!_

_R: But, what? Gabriella, I thought we were friends?_

_G: HOW CAN I BE FRIENDS WITH A TRAITOR LIKE YOU!!! YOU'RE GARBAGE!! FILTH!!! THE LOWEST LOWLIFE…_

R: *crying* I never saw her again. When I met you, I was scared because you matched her description of her son perfectly. I knew I had to end it, before we were both caught…but then…

J: Then what, Rafaela?

R: Jose, I'm pregnant.

**OMG!!! WHAT THE **** WAS THAT!?!?!?!**

**//////////////////////////////////**

**At that little phone booth where you talk to people in jail from behind a glass wall. You know what I'm talking about don't you?  
**

O: Gabriella, darling. You know that you can tell me anysing. **(Heavy accent)**

G: Alright Olga. You see, I have a husband, Francesco.

O: Oh la la! He is handsome, yes?

G: Very, practically perfect. But, I've been going to therapy ever since I got released, did you know?

O: Oh, girl. Do tell. I feel zee juiciness of zis story already.

G: Well, Mr. Hernandez has always been awfully nice to me. He's the therapist.

O: Oh no, I can tell where zis is going, yes? Zee man is sweet, he listens, and he is patient and kind. Yes? Zee husband is getting dull and you say, vhere did honeymoon go, yes?

G: Oh, Olga, I knew you'd understand!

O: Yes, yes, Olga understands completely. Vhat did you do vith man, huh?

G: Well, let's just say afterwards, I checked and the"stick came out with a little plus".

O: Oh no!! But congratulations! Yes?

G: No, this is very bad Olga. Very bad! What do I tell Francesco? He might kill me if I told him. In the literal sense of the word, too Olga. You remember what I said about him being a "hands on" type of guy?

O: Vell, there's no problems vitch cannot be solved with a few pills in zee drink or unexplained absence of husband yes?

G: Oh, Olga! I still love him and I couldn't be put in jail again! I won't be able to handle it.

O: Vell, you vill always have zis Mr. Hernandez to comfort you.

G: Olga! I'm serious. I don't know what to do!

O: Honey, you take life too seriously sometimes. But, how about talking to old cell friend, yes? The Rafaela?

G: How could I possibly face Rafaela? After what happened, you know.

//////////////////////////////////////

P: Francesco!

F: Pablo!

P: Francesco, this is unacceptable. You might be going too far.

F: What do you mean me?

P: You know very well what I mean.

F: I don't.

P: The murders.

F: Pablo, as long as I am head of the police, we will not rest until we find this crook. I have my eyes set on Gabriella still.

P: She is your own wife, sir.

F: I know. I never told her I suspected her. All she knows is that the judge wants to see her behind bars. But my eye is drifting to close family and friends. Someone she would want to protect perhaps.

P: Sir, I am very disturbed. This family is also yours.

F: I know Pablo, I know.

**The door loudly bangs open.**

P: *gasp* Police officer Nancy! What's the problem?

N: He's dead. Mr. Schwartz is dead!! He killed him!!!

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Professor Snape: Oh no!! Why?!

M: Professor.

S: AHH!! Oh, Professor McGonagle I was just uhh…watching…*click*…the beauty and spa treatment channel. What? The beauty and spa treatment channel?

T.V.: Ladies, everyone needs a manicure these days, but who has the time? Just flick this powder over your nails and viola! Beautiful! Absolutely marvelous! You don't even need to worry about calluses. This takes care of…

M: Professor, I never knew you were interested in this sort of thing.

S: Uhhh….

///////////////////////////////////////////

D: YES!! Taking the shortcut through Professor Harte's portrait made me get here just in time for Witches and Warlocks.

S: Dean, do you know the difference between the hungry heptropilla and the pixipilla…wow….what are you doing?

D: AHH! *click* the geometry channel?

S: Wow, I never knew you had such an interest in figures, Dean.

D: Didn't you Seamus?


	11. The Fat Friar

**MACHO IS SORRY!!!!!! I feel so darn guilty, but things just kept coming up! I haven't updated in a trillion years!!!! I think that the universe is against me…or the rainbow unicorns. *shudder***

**I am super duper happy that I can finally update!! YAY!!! **

**The reasons I didn't update for ages: first, I decided to take a break; after, I had to practice piano like crazy for this competition in Pittsburgh; I went to Pittsburgh for a long while. OMG!! And then, I was reading this Twilight fanfic! It was pure awesomenessness!! (If Every Word I said could make you laugh + more, more, more by carmelinagunn). I know it's weird to advertise someone else's story on my story, but still. It was REALLY good. I recommend it if you like Twilight as much as I do. (How much do I like Twilight? I like it **_**this **_**much!)**

**Once again, Macho is sorry…**

**Will you forgive the Macho Man?**

**Please?**

**Pretty please with a cherry on top?**

**Oh, you don't like cherries? How about cranberries? What? No?**

**Do you like boysenberries? Blueberries? No? **

**WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU LIKE????**

**Oh, so you don't want a berry on top, you could've just told me that…oh well.**

**On with the story…**

**Kudos to you GothGirl for reviewing again! Yeah!!! And for the newest DM'er, stupidxshinyxvolvoxowner, whom I shall call SSvo for short, I will dedicate this installment of HPDM. You are special to me SSvo. I'm sorry for naming you after a ship. Since you're new, I'll treat you with a special segment I like to call: the Ghosts and Ghouls Galore! **

**Today, I want to follow dear old Nearly Headless Nick. Remember that he wanted to commit suicide after Ron made some shockingly hurtful remarks.**

NHN: Oh woe is me, woe is me…

GL: Oh Nick, your moaning is match for poor Myrtle at times.

NHN: Helena!

GL: *sigh* you're the only one other than Dumbledore to call me that. Everyone knows me as the Gray Lady nowadays.

NHN: Hmm, nowadays. These days no one shows proper respect. None!

GL: It's one of the things you have to live with in death. The changing of the times can be quite arduous, but one must adapt while still holding their own.

NHN: You're wise. No wonder you're the ghost of Ravenclaw tower, Helena. I expect you get it from your mother.

GL: Don't talk to me of my mother Sir Nicholas.

NHN: After all these years, you still haven't released that grudge. For such a wise woman, you can be rather foolish at times.

GL: I am not, was not, nor ever expect to be wise.

NHN: You underestimate yourself dear.

GL: If we talk of underestimating, look at yourself. The ghost representing brave Gryffindor and you chase after those petty mongrels from the headless hunt. I could tell those buffoons were headless with my eyes shut! They don't have an inkling of brain above their necks. But you're a man worthy of all you have. You're intelligent, brave, trustworthy, charismatic…

NHN: Oh Helena. If I'm as brave as you say, why am I here?

GL: Well…

NHN: I can answer that! I was a coward! I couldn't pass through to the other side!!

GL: If I'm so wise, I should have been smart enough to know that staying here was unnatural. But I didn't. Instead, I held on to the world. None of us could pass on.

NHN: I had no reason to stay behind. The baron felt he had to punish himself for you. The Fat Friar's just plain weird, and you must have had your reasons. But I, I took the road less traveled by and stayed right where I was like a fool.

GL: Nick, don't say things like that. What would I do without you by my side?

NHN: You'd have Myrtle. And the Baron will always readily take you with open arms the minute you ask.

GL: Yes, Myrtle is like the daughter I never had. But still, she's a ghost and I cannot ask her to treat me like a parent. And as for the Baron: let him be in agony forever in death.

NHN: You know you're killing him over and over again whenever you pass him by. I don't think there's a moment when he's not thinking of you.

GL: I don't want to talk about him.

NHN: It's true. Everything I told you. The Bloody Baron scares everyone into doing what he wants, but in truth, it is you who controls all that. One word from you and the baron will do anything you ask.

GL: I know you talk to him, Nick. Trying to get advice on how to be the stereotype "scary" ghost and all, but you don't need that. Nick, you're fine just the way you are.

NHN: I do hope you won't hold it against me when I go to him after our conversation. He'll force me to tell him everything from your facial expressions, your interests, and anything I can possibly glean from these five minutes. Personally, I don't see why you haven't yet forgiven him.

GL: You don't?! Well, why don't I remind you? **She opened her cloak so he could see the dark mark on her breast where she was stabbed. **What he did that night was unforgivable! **With that, the Grey Lady floated off through the library wall, one of her favorite places to stay. She usually asks the librarian to take out a book for her and turn its pages for her. It was quite inconvenient being a ghost sometimes. However, Nick wasn't nervous or apprehensive on whether he hurt her. The Gray Lady was easily provoked, but after some time to herself, she never held grudges. That's what made the situation with her mother and the baron most peculiar.**

BB: So?

NHN: So what?

BB: You know. Tell me everything.

NHN: Nothing new, Baron. Nothing that I haven't told you yet, that is.

BB: Well tell me again.

NHN: Honestly, I don't know why you keep this up.

BB: One can hope. If I lose my hope, what else is there to hold on to?

NHN: Well, maybe you should just let her go and…

BB: NO!! NEVER!!! How could I possibly just 'let her go'!??!!!?! ** The Bloody Baron raged on, his ghostly chain clanking. Nick no longer let that get to him. Much like the Grey Lady, the Baron has trouble with his temper. Nick patiently waited for the tantrum to end.**

NHN: You see Baron? This doesn't do you any good.

BB: I don't f'kn care. **In Nick's opinion, one of the worst qualities the Baron adopted from this era was the use bad language. Once again, Nick didn't let it get to him. Though he had closer alliances with the Baron than almost anyone at the school, the Baron was indeed influential. Especially since Peeves was head over heels afraid of him. It was better to not get on the Baron's bad side.**

NHN: She still isn't showing signs of forgiveness.

BB: Oh how I envy you. With every ounce of my whim, I envy you Sir Nicholas. How do you do it? The Gray Lady see's you as her best friend. Everyone here likes you. Even the slytherins, did you know that?

NHN: Why, um, no. You never mentioned that.

BB: Yes, even though it's for the sole reason that you mind your own business. HAHA!

NHN: That's quite flattering.

BB: I think she might even love you, Nick.

NHN: What?  
BB: Yes, the Gray Lady might just love you. I never got to experience love. What does it feel like?

NHN: Baron, we are friends, but I don't believe the Gray Lady loves me.

BB: Of course she does! You don't see yourself clearly at all, my good man. Even if it's a family love, or a love of a friend, she does love you.

NHN: Hmm, that's interesting.

BB: She confides in you.

NHN: She also confides in the Friar.

BB: AH!! That lump of cheerfulness will never exhaust. Anyone could befriend him!

NHN: You're right there! *chuckle* seeing that ghost attempting to eat real food will never get old. I think that's the only time I've ever seen him sad. But he perks right up with a kind word or gesture.

BB: Why do you think the lady talks with him?

NHN: Because he can make her smile. Seldom anything can put that gorgeous grin on her face. Being around the Friar makes her happy.

BB: What else can I possibly do, Nick? What can I possibly do?

**Oh!!! I almost feel sorry for the Bloody Baron!!! I want to see where the Gray Lady's doing, don't you? Well, it's not like you guys have a choice…**

GL: Madame Prince? Madame?

FF: She's not here tonight.

GL: Oh my! I didn't see you there.

FF: I didn't see you until just now, my lady. You almost scared me to death! I thought I was seeing ghosts!! HAHAHA!!!

GL: _Oh, I absolutely love the Friar. He always makes me laugh. It's a good feeling. _Hehe…

FF: Well my lady, what brings you here on this fine night?

GL: I couldn't sleep. _Another ghost joke, but by me this time. The Friar helps me so much. Laughing at oneself can be quite relaxing._

FF: Oh! I do enjoy laughing! It's one of the world's greatest pleasures! Right next to wit beyond measure, of course.

GL: Oh dear Friar, you know as well as I do that your jokes are a wit beyond measure in itself.

FF: HAHA!! My lady, you always manage to lift my spirits.

GL: But your spirits are always up! That's what makes me so happy. I was two seconds from an argument with Nicholas, and here I am cracking jokes!

FF: My lady, how do you think I manage to keep my spirits up? Sure many things bother me during the day, but I don't pay attention to it. Rather, I pay more attention to people like you. With every kind word my _spirit_ soars! HAHAHAHA!!!

GL: Why, I don't recall saying much, Friar, that would make you happy.

FF: Oh, but I made you laugh and smile. That's a gift beyond any. You hardly look "gray" at all when you laugh, my lady. HAHAHA!!

GL: Ha! _The Friar has such a nice, hearty laugh. It's quite unlike any I've ever heard before. The Baron's is monstrous and sends shivers down your spine. This one is pure bliss; the epitome of happiness. No wonder it's so contagious. _Oh, my dear, I don't know how you can see so many good qualities in someone.

FF: It's easy for outsiders. Usually the good qualities are stuck on your back, right were you can't reach it. Having someone there to point them out for you usually helps!

GL: Oh, Friar, whatever am I to do with you?

FF: Whatever you want, my lady. Though I don't know what you mean exactly.

GL: It's just that you're always so kind to me. I wish to repay you in some way other than by my own presence.

FF: Being in your gracious presence _is _a gift all in itself, but what do you propose?

GL: Let's eat. **She said with a devious smirk on her face.**

FF: Oh! Getting into trouble aren't we? You know the food is off limits unless it's for celebration!

GL: Ah, well. If it's the Baron you're afraid of, remember that you're with me, your instant invisibility cloak if ever we get caught. **The Friar couldn't fight with that. Though he firmly believes that everyone has the same amount of influence and power, it is true that the Lady controls the Baron fully and completely. Pushing the thought aside, the Friar went with the Gray Lady, briefly noticing some Gryffindor boy rushing through the portrait of Professor Hart.**

**What did you think? I made it longer (under the influence of the story I mentioned above!) for your enjoyment. I decided that the stories will all be about this length from now on!**

**My world is OurWorld: Isn't it sad that smart kids get bad grades just because they don't do there homework? Think about it as you do your homework.**

**On other news, I made imaginary t-shirts for HPDM!!! Here are what some say: I heart Witches and Warlocks; don't get caught~ Dungeon of Misdemeanors; I have botanophobia; don't push it to the limit, get ya' head in the game; the Geometry channel. Any other ideas for fake t-shirt themes? Review and let me know!!!!**


	12. What comes around, goes around

**Oh my poor, poor HPDMers!! I'm sorry for letting you down…I was working on my new Twilight story and didn't have time for you, but that's no excuse! I am determined to finish HPDM if it's the last thing I do! *gulp***

**Now, I have to look at where I left off last! I've been doing so many specials, I completely forgot the story!**

**When we last left off Harry, err…a ghost special and a Witches and Warlocks episode ago Ron and Collin came into the picture. Harry and Ron sent off Collin to watch the HSM movies. After he left, Ron was once again trying to tell Harry something. What will it be???? Let us see. (Hehe! Lettuce Sea…)**

HP: Super trooper beams are gonna blind me, but I won't feel blue…Like I always dooooooo, 'cause somewhere in that crowd there's you!

R: Harry, no offense, but now's not the time to sing ABBA. Especially since I'm trying to tell you something uber importante.

HP: Oh silly Ronald, I always start off my entrances to the chapters with a song of some sort. Then the narrator talks about it in the end of the story when we tie up Dumbledore because we're all supposed to be quiet once the chapter ends.

R: I don't think the audience needed to know that.

HP: Do I look like I care?

R: Nope, not really.

HP: So what is it you wanted to tell me?

R: Well Harry, I keep trying to tell you this but something always happens right when I'm about to!

HP: So, what is it you bragilian son of a pixipila?

R: I…I…errr….forgot.

HP: What?!

R: Yeah, the Super Trooper song kind of pushed it out of my mind.

HP: *raises eyebrow* Shall we?

R: Oh yeah…

HP/R: Super Trooper lights are gonna find me, shining like the sun! Smiling, having fun! Feeling like a number one!!!!!

Seamus: What the heck, guys? Has everyone in this school gone full moon?

R: …this side of you will prove me I'm still alive…What do you mean?

S: Umm, you guys are singing ABBA in the halls, Collin is hogging the common room T.V. yelling "I have friends!!" and Dean has discovered a spontaneous passion in geometry.

HP: Well, that's not too bad. Seems as if things are going normally after all!

S: That's not all. Dumbledore and Flitwick are up to something, I know it. They've been hanging out in the trophy room a lot. Rumor has it, they're reading a book called err, Sundown? No, Moonrise?

HP: Dawn?

R: Daybreak?

HP: Botanophobia?

S: No…

R: The Simpsons and Philosophy?

S: What kind of book is that?

R: Oh, it's really good it's all about the stuff behind the Simpsons characters and…

HP: Could they have been reading Twilight?

R: Twilight? That chick flick like book that got turned into a chick flick movie?

S: Yes! That's it! But Harry, how do you know about that book? Not many guys know about it.

HP: Err…I…umm…

R: What's that in your backpack?

**CLIFFY TIME!!!!!! What is in his backpack? You can guess but you will never know for sure until I write the next chapter!!!!!! MUAHAHAHA!! *cough***

**I want to see Dumblydore and Fleeetweeeeck in the trophy room now, don't you? You don't have a choice so I just will go to the Dumbledore/Flitwick Crazy Club.**

D: Oohh, my. I am in love with Edward Cullen.

F: I for one am Team Jacob all the way. He's so much better in a rough, cowboyish way. Jacob is perfect for Bella.

D: No way! Edward risked everything to keep Bella safe and happy, even his own well-being.

F: THAT, my friend was his first mistake. Jacob, if he were a vampire, would have known that he would break Bella's heart by leaving her. He truly knows her inside and out…

D: Edward is romantic. He's from the early 1900's. He has great hair. He has good taste in music and can play piano. All of that equals the perfect man, Filius.

F: Albus, I must object…

**The door to the Trophy Room opens with a bang.**

H: Yarg!

D: Hagrid! I thought you were trimming your chickens' toenails!

H: Yarg…

D: Ahh, I see.

F: How can you tell what that half wit is saying?!

H: YARG!

D: It's a simple matter of listening Professor Flitwick. **Dumbledore quickly hides a book entitled "Speaking to Dummies for Dummies" inside his cloak. **

H: Yargen yarg yoooooorrgg.

D: Crazy hairy man, say what?!

H: Yargen. Yarg. Yoooooorrgg.

D: Tell him I'll be there immediately!

F: What did he say?

D: Well, he may have said that there was an invasion of singing alien carrots in the Great Hall preparing to eat Professor Sprout's bean sprouts and cabbage cake or that Lupin and Snape were having another 'vampire v. werewolf' epic battle.

F: *sigh* Not another one? The last epic battle was on Wednesday and Filch had _me_ helping him clean up all of the feathers from those northern sea ducks.

D: I'll help you out this time if you have to help clean up.

F: Really?

D: Err, no not really. I'd probably send Minerva or Poppy. I just said that to make you feel better.

F: Oh well, maybe he won't ask for me this time.

**Finally, all of you Team Neville's will be satisfied. Last time, Snape left Neville to watch Witches and Warlocks (ch. 10) and Neville was turning into a vampire.**

N: Ok Neville, its ok, just breathe in and out. Pheww….phooo….yeah just like your yoga instructor tells you….pheww…and your therapist…phooo. Now, what would Gran do in a situation like this???

I remember! Eat the tail feather of a Brazilian Griffon! I remember her telling me that like it was yesterday…

_Gran: Neville! I am cross stitching. I thought I told you not to bother me with your infernal racket!!!!! Why are you such a disappointment? Sometimes, I wonder how you could possibly be related to me or your parents!!_

I know that what she actually meant was, if you are ever bitten and left for dead by a creepy vampire, eat the tail feather of a Brazilian Griffon and your changing time will dramatically decrease from two months, to two or three days. One day if you're lucky. Thank you Grandma, wherever you are. Now, to find a griffon.

Why am I saying all my thoughts out loud though?

**Because otherwise, no one would know what you were thinking and this whole segment would be for naught.**

N: Thank you narrator! You know, many people think that you're just an annoying know-it-all but I like you. You're very helpful in times like these.

**Aww! Neville, this is why I like you best. By the way, that Portuguese kid that was in the dungeons a while back was smuggling illegal griffons to Beauxbatons. He left one of them, a Brazilian Griffon, in the closet.**

N: Well, that was convenient.

G: SQUAK!!!

N: Hello there Griffon. I want to eat your tail feather.

G: *stares*

N: OK! *pluck*

G: Gnnnayyy!!!! Squak!

N: Oh boy, I don't feel too good……*darkness*

**Neville, Neville, Neville. Will he never learn? That poor kid always gets mixed up in places like nobody's business.**

**Now, back to Hermione who was having lots of random flashbacks of Ron's attempts at flirting…**

H: Norway, Norway, its Norway…

L: What are you mumbling about Hermione?

H: Oh, just studying.

L: Aren't you always?

H: Well, umm…yeah.

L: You need to loosen up Hermione. I know! Pravati and I are going to this totally wicked party tonight. The Hufflepuffs aren't good at winning house cups, but they can throw some wild parties. You should come with us.

H: Oh can I?

L: Of course! Unless…you have other plans.

H: Other plans like what?

L: There's been a rumor floating around about you and Ma…

H: WHAT???!!! Where did you hear that?? Malfoy and I are not together!!!

L: You and MALFOY!?!

H: Isn't that what you were talking about???

L: NO! I was going to ask if you and Professor McGonnagle started a transfiguration club and if there was a meeting or something today.

H: Oops.

**What did you think? Good, bad, so-so? Aren't sure because the only reason you read my stories is for my little authors notes? (Thank you, thank you).**

**MWOW: Today's featured song was "Super Trooper" by ABBA it's really cool so check it out if you have time.**


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